One and Done

Over the weekend the subject of having a second child came up again. We had one of the most open discussions we’d had on the subject (on any subject, really) and finally decided that A will be an only child. It’s weird because as much as I had already made the decision, actually having and finalizing the discussion made me sad. It was a long conversation that started in the bedroom and continued through A waking from her nap. When we were all settled in the living room I actually had to make my husband give me a hug. (Hello? Major life decision here and you’re futzing with your phone!?) That’s when I started crying. Not because it was the wrong decision, just that it was so huge. And, yes, I am a little sad.

I’m 41. I guess I always thought I wanted two kids, but why? I think a lot of my reasons were flawed. Because we are older parents I thought it was important that A have a sibling. Someone to lean on after we are gone. Don’t get me wrong, we’ve got many many MANY years left, but I was 39 and J almost 45 when she was born; she will be relatively young when we pass on. I took a good hard look at mine and J’s relationships with our siblings. We get along, but I wouldn’t list either of mine as best friends. One of J’s sisters lives less than a mile away and until A was born we rarely saw each other. His other sister has yet to acknowledge Avery’s existence. She is 21 months old. (!!!) So, yeah, siblings are not even a little bit of a guarantee of lifelong friendship. Then there’s the question – does having a sibling help when dealing with aging parents? Who knows. My mom isn’t in need of help yet, but I have no idea of how me and my siblings will band together (or not) when the time comes. We can’t even throw the woman a proper birthday party. Sibling as instant shoulder to lean on? Not a guarantee.

Avery is the result of IVF. That’s a whole other post, but the short version is we got REALLY lucky. We tried for a year with no luck. After minor surgery to remove some Endometriomas we started IVF right away. We got pregnant on our first try. I know so many families are not so lucky. And I know that if we had to do it again, we probably wouldn’t be either. I honestly don’t know if I have it in me. The shots, the office visits, the potential for loss.  I’m not sure I can do it and I decided a while back that I wasn’t going to. If we got pregnant the old fashioned way, great. If not, no interventions, no doctors (no second baby).

Aside from being automatically stamped with “advanced maternal age,” there are all of the potential health risks that go along with advanced parental age. At 42 would I really be capable of raising a special needs child? My friend’s younger son was 10 weeks premature and has cerebral palsy. They are wonderful parents (almost 10 years younger than me) and he is getting 110% of what he needs, but will he ever be independent? Is it fair to bring a person who can’t live independently into the world and then leave them when they’re still young? Yes, I’m making assumptions and odds are if we had a second child everything would be perfectly fine. But it would be ignorant to not take these things into consideration. Accidents happen, but after Endometriosis and IVF i’m not really afraid of accidents. If it happens it was meant to be.

Now I just have to stop looking at pregnant women wistfully and get on with raising the amazing little girl we do have. She has a playdate with her cousin today and I’m really looking forward to pictures and hearing all about it. Going forward we and my sister-in-law & brother-in-law (hubz sis and her husband) are going to make sure that they spend more time together. They’re pretty much each other’s only local family and it’s important that they have each other in the future. Because who knows what the future holds?

Shit! Now I’m crying again.




Two Week Wait

OMG…the two week wait is so painful! I’ve been intentionally staying off of TTC message boards because, well, I’m crazy enough on my own thanks! But I was talking to my friend the other day and she happened to ask how the baby making was coming along. When I told her I’d know more next week she said “oh, the dreaded TWW?” I was all “wha???” and she explained it was the TTC community’s abbreviation for the most torturous two weeks of a woman’s life – that between ovulation time and being able to take a pregnancy test. Yes, I know – that was a total “duh!” moment, but I’m a little distracted these days. Thank goodness for those early pregnancy tests because waiting a third week for my period to either come or (fingers crossed) not come would drive me straight up BATTY!

Have you seen that episode of Friends when Phoebe has her brother’s embryos implanted? She comes in directly from the fertility clinic and takes a pregnancy test. And it’s positive! I know – the two week wait doesn’t make good TV, but this happens all the time in TV and movies. A woman will get out of bed the morning after trying, take a pregnancy test and be happily on her way to motherhood! I just wish the wait wasn’t quite so long and stressful. The stress makes me want a drink too, but I’m extra extra cautious these days (I really only allow myself to drink when I’m 100% positive that I’m not pregnant).

So, here I sit towards the end of the TWW trying to decide if I should test tomorrow or Monday. Heck, I’ll probably do both…I may not be made of $, but they are covered by FSA and I happen to have 2 tests in the house, heh.  I’m pretty confident this month. In the TMI department: there was some spotting and mild cramping around the right time for implantation and that’s never happened before. I can’t say my inability to stop eating has anything to do with my gestational status, but I still can’t stop eating. I went to BJ’s Wholesale Club this morning and tried to buy some healthy-ish snacks (nuts and granola) and the biggest bag of frozen strawberries I’ve ever seen (for smoothies!). Now if I could just stop having dinner on top of the smoothie, I’d probably be in better shape.

That’s all I have for now. Will update with results. I’m sure I won’t be able to wait the extra day. I know the answer, but GAH, why did I wait so long to start a family!?!?!?



Update: That’s a negative…maybe next month. Silver lining: now I can drink on my vacation!

Apparently I’m Boring!

So, my mother has taken to telling me how boring I am when we talk on the phone (we have this exact conversation at least once a week).

Mom: what’s new?

Me: Nothing

Mom: Nothing? You’re so boring!

Since I’m not pregnant and therefore still childless I really don’t have much going on (not to imply that only parents or those who wish to be parents have anything going on). I’m trying not to write about trying to get pregnant mostly because I feel like I’m telling the world that I’m having sex with my husband. And that’s just ewwww.

I work a 9-5 job. I like my job, but I’m just an Executive Assistant and not wanting to get “Dooced” I can’t really go into much detail about it.  Seriously (sadly?) the most interesting thing I have going on are these bizzare dreams I’ve been having. So I guess all I can do is subject my zero readers to as much of my crazy dreams as I can remember…but the day I started writing this post they started getting really boring and I stopped recalling as much detail! UGH!

I guess I AM boring – even my subconscious.

Breeding Ground

We live in Jersey City Heights, but I do 99% of my shopping in Hoboken; mostly because I’m used to it and the stores closer to me suck!

It’s almost that time of month again (the fun time,. not the ‘fuck you, aunt flo time”) and I only have one more ovulation test left so I stopped at the trusty CVS in Hoboken that has a small but (usually) reliable “family planning” section. There must have been some sort of springtime baby making frenzy in town this weekend because the shelves were almost completely bare! There were a handful of (mostly store brand) pregnancy tests, but not a single ovulation predictor kit in sight. Okay they had one, but it was the 21 day 40 dollar pack which was not what I was looking for and it wasn’t even my brand. I have a fairly good idea of what day I ovulate so I don’t really need to test for more than 7ish days so the 21 pack is a waste (they’re only good for 30 days once opened while the 7 day kit has individually wrapped tests that last until the expiration date). Wow, can I just mention how many plastic sticks and packaging a woman my age has to go through when trying to conceive? Talk about bad for the environment!

Seriously though, what the heck was up today? I should have taken a picture of the barren shelves; it was so sad looking. The few boxes that were there were all squished and disheveled too. I left the store in a mild huff with the hope that they’ll re-stock tonight or tomorrow before I get home. Unfortunately, I don’t have a choice – everything is overpriced by my job (more overpriced?) and there isn’t another store that’s convenient.

We lived in Hoboken for several years before we moved up to JC Heights after we got married and that’s when I developed my breeding ground theory. I never saw any big kids in Hoboken. Only babies and toddlers. I swear! There were a handful of high school age kids here and there (I now know that many of the students at Hoboken High School come down from The Heights), but really very few kids between 5 and 14 years old. It was almost freaky. That was when I theorized that young college graduates moved to town in their early-mid twenties either with their girlfriends/boyfriends or single and looking. They would marry by 30, have some babies and get the heck out of town before the kids were old enough to go to school (sorry, but the public schools in Hoboken suck so I can’t really blame them).  Take a walk through Hoboken, NJ on a sunny Saturday and you’ll see that I’m right…It’s downright freaky!

We got out of Hoboken before we had a chance to breed, but we’re still hoping to follow the habit of leaving before our kids are subject to the local public education system.



We’re trying to have a baby. Because I’m the type of person who likes to be well informed, I’ve probably read way too much on the subject and I’ve become a wee bit obsessed. Of course, this is pretty much the biggest thing Hubby and I will ever do, but I still feel like i’m obsessing.  He’s 44 and I’m 38 so we’ve got instant obstacles right there. Seriously, last week alone on three different TV shows I heard the phrase “90% of a woman’s eggs are gone by the time she hits 30!” Come on Universe, make my obsessing worse!

One of my biggest problems is that the symptoms of really early pregnancy (before missed period early) are almost identical to PMS. I’ve always had pretty severe PMS so the symptoms really are similar. It’s gotten to the point where every little boob twinge or gaseous flutter means something in my crazy crazy mind! So the week between TTC and my expected period is TORTURE. I’d like to stop here and apologize to anyone reading this (especially any men) for all the “lady stuff” references. I’ve warned you; I’m obsessed. When you’re my age and TTC for the first time it really becomes the ONLY thing you can think about.

How awesome would it be to find out I’m pregnant on Valentine’s Day?? It’s always been a nothing, “Hallmark holiday” to me and having a special memory of the day might actually make it meaningful for me/us. I’m not going to tell the world (all of my zero readers) before I tell my mom, but I will keep you posted.

That’s my overshare for ya. I can’t believe I’ve neglected this space for over a month, still haven’t had the nerve to post the URL anywhere and THIS is what I come back with. I told ya I was crazy.

Happy Valentine’s Day Interwebs.

Peace out,


PS: not pregnant. surely would have made MUCH more noise if I were.